Kibou
by A Navy Brat
Summary: A short piece on what Van may have been thinking when he’s flying to retrieve Hitomi in Episode 26: Eternal Adoration.


**Title:** Kibou

**Author:** A Navy Brat

**E-mail:** catnmouse90637@yahoo.com

**Part:** 1 of 1

**Rating:** PG for content

**Warnings:** Contains spoilers for those who have not completed the Escaflowne series.

**Summary:** A short piece on what Van may have been thinking when he's flying to retrieve Hitomi in Episode 26: Eternal Adoration.

**Disclaimer:** All characters in this piece are owned by Bandai and whoever took part in the creation of _Escaflowne_. This is an original piece that does not intend to infringe upon their copyright and is strictly a non-profit endeavour. All characters are used without permission. Characters and stories are in no way affiliated with, approved of or endorsed by Bandai. All other materials copyright by A Navy Brat, 2002. All rights reserved. If you wish to post this piece at some other website, please inform me first at the e-mail address given above. Constructive criticism and reviews are appreciated. Personal criticisms should be sent to the address above. Thank you.

**Author's Notes:** "Kibou" means "a hope, wish, or aspiration" in Japanese. [1]

**My thanks to:** Jason, whose dedication to my work is unparalleled, and whose support is unwavering. Cori, without whom this piece would have remained untitled and unfinished. Alicia and Nancy, whom are always so willing to beta-read for me.

Kibou

By A Navy Brat, July 1, 2002

   Everything is still. After the sounds of war—of Guymelefs crashing, of dying men's screams, of blood—there is only silence. It is as though the whole world has exhaled and dares not breathe again. My fierce, barbaric ecstasy ebbs and suddenly, a great restlessness claws within me. I need to be… elsewhere. I need to be where she is.

   The silence envelops me; it is a silence of both life and death. Death… I am in a fight to the death… with Allen. When the Zaibach began withdrawing, the Allies had turned against one another, each fighting for ultimate control over Gaea. No one noticed that a Guymelef had not retreated with the rest of the army. Dilandau. He taunts me and I accept his challenge. I deflect his talons of liquid metal and he counters, attacking with a short spike. A hard cut takes off his arm and another deft strike removes one of his legs. He falls and desperately lashes out with his other arm. Again, I block his wild tentacles and slice through his other firing mechanism. I charge, swinging the blade high to deal his death blow. With this madman dead, Gaea can finally be at peace. Another Guymelef drops down before me and takes Dilandau's blow. I stand, stunned. Blue flames began to lick up out of the pilot's compartment and I hear Dilandau's scream: "Jajuka!"

   The pilot's answer is equally desperate. "You can turn back into Serena! That gentle Serena!" The flames engulf him and he falls.

   Dilandau remains where he fell and I can hear him whispering the dead pilot's name, "Jajuka. Don't leave me, Jajuka." I charge again, the sword high to rend Dilandau's pilot compartment. Suddenly, I hear Hitomi shriek. 

   "No!" I pause mid-swing. Hitomi? But she's not here. How can I hear her voice?

   Allen drops before me, his blade blocking my own. "Don't, Van! Draw back your sword!" he commands. Allen? Defending Dilandau? The Allies have fractured, but now Allen… What is happening?

   I feel as though I am drunk upon the heat of battle. "He's possessed by fighting! I'll kill him to eliminate the root of evil on Gaea!"

   "No!" Allen shouts. "Even if you kill Dilandau, people won't be free from grief!"

   What does he know of grief? "What? How can you understand the sorrow of someone who has lost his country?!" My sword strikes at his, swatting it away from mine.

   "I'll be your opponent! Dilandau is my sister!" I wonder if he has gone mad. Is it a ploy? Is it because Allen wants the glory?

   "Allen, have you gone crazy?" My sword thrusts at him and he parries it. Our swords lock.

   "Her sin is my sin," he answers, "even though she was controlled by Zaibach's black magic. You don't have to hold back! Defeat me! Fight me, Van Fanel!" My sword thrusts away his again. Allen continues. "The Knight of Heaven, Allen Schezar, will fight you as best I can!"

   I could feel my despise for him coursing through me, this arrogant, egotistical man who lorded over me as though I was more boy than king, who is protecting Dilandau, who dared to charm Hitomi, the woman-girl I… care for, who kissed her, who asked for her hand in marriage. My despise ignites and burns through me as anger, kindling my cries and swings.

   Escaflowne's and Schezarade's swords meet again and again and the melefs themselves skid across the dusty, rocky land as my heart sings in time to the harsh clashes. I say nothing to Allen's taunt "Your skills have surprisingly improved. I'm so glad, Van!" My breath is saved for fighting, for killing this man who has tormented me for long enough. It will end. It will end now.

   He handles his melef smoothly, moving with such quickness as I had never seen in a pilot before. He strikes at me, narrowly missing my head, and I block it, Escaflowne's sword running down the length of Schezarade's. A savage elation fills me as my sword parries his strikes, fire flowers floating in the air around us. I will defeat him. I will kill him, and Hitomi will be mine.

   "You've become a very good pilot! You remind me of Vargus!" I can hear the same joy in Allen's voice as he blocks my blows. He will not have Hitomi. I want to defeat him!

   Thrust. Parry. Strike. Block. I revel in the sound and feel of the fighting swords. "Onii-sama…" The voice is delicately feminine and questioning, somehow managing to carry over the harsh clashes of the blades.

   Allen freezes, then turns and says, equally faintly, "Serena?"

   My sword is already being thrust towards him. I do not want this duel to end. The primal ecstasy energises me; this heightened state of being is thrilling, and I want to remain awash in the feeling. "Allen!" I reclaim his attention. He turns, his sword raising to block mine. His speed is great, but not great enough. My sword crashes into his face mask and I am ready to destroy his pilot compartment.

   "Stop, Van!" Her shriek stops me. Hitomi? But… "You shouldn't fight." Where is she? Why can I hear her? Why can't I move? I glance down to my right and am startled to see her, grasping my arm against her.

   "What? Hitomi!" How did she get here? Why am I not in Escaflowne? Where am I?

   "This is because of Dornkirk's machine." Her words recapture my attention. Dornkirk? What is because of Dornkirk's machine? What machine? The drunken heat of battle begins to fade from my mind and I am able to grasp what she is saying. The betrayal. Dornkirk caused the betrayal. With his Atlantis machine.

   "Misfortune keeps on happening. At this rate, Gaea will be like Atlantis." She speaks again, urgently.

   The solution seems absurdly simple to me. "So I'll settle the matter with Allen, then I'll kill Dornkirk." I try to turn to leave, anxious to feel the battle-borne heat flood through me again.

   "No. You don't have to fight, Van." Her voice comes again and I am frozen.

   "I'll end this war, I'll avenge my brother, and save you," I exclaim furiously. Why does she not want me to fight Allen?

   "No! That way of thinking is causing the war." I rebel against the idea. Since I had come of age, warfare and vengeance is all I have truly known. And now she is telling me that this is causing the war? Who is she to tell me what caused the war? And the battle I'm fighting now is not one of revenge. It is to protect her. 

   "I'm fighting to protect you."

   "No one asked you to! You shouldn't fight! You don't have to fight Allen!" My attempt to explain myself only made matters worse, as my attempts always have. I am fracturing. She doesn't want me to protect her. She doesn't want me. Then what is the use?

   "You just care about Allen," I spit bitterly. I regret the words as soon as I speak them, but they are not like my blade. I cannot withdraw them.

   "No!" she exclaims in frustration and pain. "Why won't you understand me?" Hitomi and I break free of one another, but I am still powerless to move. I hear her voice, speaking out behind me.

   "Although I worry about you so much… Although I care about you so much…"

   The words lurch through me, land in my gut and clench themselves. All heat drains and a freezing numbness penetrates my limbs, grips my chest. She… she… l-… likes me? My thoughts vaporise and I scrabble for something coherent to latch onto.

   Her voice reins in my thoughts once more. "Why don't you understand?" Because I am afraid. The revelation startles me. I? Am afraid of what? The answer is baldly true. I am afraid of betrayal. I am afraid of isolation. I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid that if I let her go, she will leave me, just as Father did, as Mother did, as Folken did. I am afraid that if I show myself, she will be taken from me.

   Yet, it is this fear that will take her from me, I understand with sudden clarity. By struggling so hard to protect her, I will smother what I found in her. Her independence. Her resilience. Her determination. Her fearlessness. But this is the only way I know how to show how much she means to me.

   I can hear her speaking aloud behind me and I train my focus on her conversation. Who is she speaking with? I concentrate on the other nebulous entity and the person who takes form before my inner eye surprises me. Folken. Ani ue[2]. He… He has returned? My hope fades as he does, however, and I am again left with Hitomi.

   "My wish has bound Van…?" I hear her murmur. What wish has she made? And why would it bind me? She continues her introspection. "To honestly care about Van… to believe in…" Her thoughts seem to change once again. "The smell of grass… the smell of Van," she says softly.

   Her eyes train back on me again and suddenly, I am freed of a burden I was unaware I was even carrying. "Because I like Van. I really like…" Emotions slough off and I feel a calm that I had not felt since before Father had died. She unknowingly addresses me. "Because I really like you, Van." Her name breaks involuntarily from me and suddenly, she is very clearly before me, eyes closed and head tilted back. "Sorry, I was the one who was blind."

   The fit is suddenly broken. I glance down and find that Escaflowne's sword has embedded itself in Allen's facemask. A great, pregnant silence surrounds us. The Shezarade creaks, then falls with an extraordinarily loud crash. The pilot compartment immediately opens and Allen springs out, dashing towards Serena. He cries her name and she begins to collapse. Allen catches her and I cannot make out their whispered conversation. Allen hugs Serena tightly to him and a phrase lifts and I hear him say, "Serena, I won't leave you alone." The words are bittersweet in my remembrance. Ani ue. A great restlessness fills me. I need to be… where she is. Allen suddenly turns to me.

   "I heard Hitom's voice." I tilt my head in confusion. Allen smiles up at me. "She's waiting." I smile and nod in appreciation. At my command, Escaflowne transforms to its dragon form and I fly where my heart leads me, where Hitomi is.

   As I glide over the fighting continuing beneath me, I think more deeply on what she has said. She likes me. She really does care for me. I am hesitant to try the word and it rolls awkwardly off my tongue. Love? Is what she described love? I refuse to call our feelings that yet. It is a profound understanding we have of one another as well as profound trust. Others may try to categorise it as they wish, but both she and I know what it is, even if we cannot describe it.

   The fighting below catches my attention and her words again come to mind. "An excited mind draws the dragon. Grudge and fear cause war." Escaflowne suddenly lurches beneath me. I pull on the reins, trying to get it back under control. It bucks again and its Energist heart fades. I call its name but it begins to plummet from the sky. No! It cannot be. I have not come so far to fail. Her face fills my vision—her sweet, endearing smile—and her name becomes my cry. My wings erupt from my back and amidst a burst of feathers I am drawn toward the Zaibach capital. I hear the fighting below me cease and I know it is because of the sight of my wings.

   I think again of Hitomi's words. Colliding wishes? Bad feelings? She said she bound me with her wish. But what wish? She had said that she didn't want me to protect her. That did not mean that she did not want me though. What did she want? What did I want? Peace. And to be loved. Both of us want those. And perhaps, now, both of us will have them. Peace is happening right now, right below me as I fly to her. And she just said she cares for me. And the gods know I do for her. So how would our wishes collide?

   Peace. Peace came, but it came soaked in blood. Vargus'. Folken's. Duke Freid's. Boris'. Folken's prophecy came true, I suppose, making war to make peace. The difference between Folken and me though, was that Folken believed that was the only way to make peace. I believe that it is one of the worst ways. And Hitomi wouldn't accept it. She didn't understand that sometimes, you have to fight to protect what you value. Was that her wish? For me not to fight? That's not possible. Not with a country like Zaibach. Not with a ruler like Dornkirk. I really don't enjoy fighting, I suppose. But at the same time, I remember little else but fighting, since Father died and Folken disappeared. I hate bloodshed. I have lost too many people I love to find any joy in killing. Peace and tranquillity and contentment sound so wonderful to me.

   It is not long before a great hideous fortress appears, sickly green light pulsating from the roof, penetrating the thick cloud cover that seems to perpetually hover over Zaibach. It is the capital. Is that where Hitomi is? I see her beckoning me again. I plunge into the revolting glow and speed downward. She is so close. I can feel her.

   I break through the glass and as the light falters, I hear her call out my name. I swoop down and enfold her, making sure she's all right. Faintly, I hear Dornkirk's voice echoing behind us. "Did this feeling that draw them together surpass the minds of people that were bound by the fate of war? And can this fragile moment, created by the minds of men, remain?" He disappears and I relegate his words. Right now, all that concerns me is Hitomi, who holds me so tightly and so willingly. I carry us up gently through the broken glass. The green light is gone and the cloud cover begins breaking. The sun shines down and casts its hopeful rays upon our faces. Hope. Kibou.

   There is so much that needs to be said between us, so much of me that I need to explain, so much of her that I need to hear. We shall see but little of the other before she must return to her home, but I am sure that under the banner of peace, hope remains.

© A Navy Brat, 2002

  


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[1] All definitions are courtesy of EVA from the Poet's Project at Kyoto Notre Dame University. http://poets.notredame.ac.jp/cgi-bin/jedi-inon.

[2] "Ani ue" means "older brother" in formal Japanese.


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